Super Mario Bros Super Awesome Super Adventure!
by Spiritual Magic
Summary: It's 1985 and the Princess is kinapped while hitchhiking to a concert! It's up to Mario to save her butt, and begin the Nintendo journey that will last the next 23 years!


Did you ever wonder how it all started? I mean, like, the whole thing with Mario and the Princess and King Koopa? I bet you have. I bet it keeps you awake every night. The mystery, the suspense!

Okay! So, anyway! It all started back in 1985, right before the original Nintendo was released. The Princess was in her room, having a meltdown because her dad, the King, wouldn't let her go to the Def Leppard concert.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Princess Toadstool screamed, stomping around her room as she smashed holes in the wall with her golf clubs.

"Hey, shut the Christ up up there!" cried her mother.

"I wanna GO!" cried Princess Toadstool. "If you don't let me go I'm going to put myself up for adoption!"

"Good, go ahead!" her mother screamed up the stairs. "Save me the money!" Downstairs, the King was on the couch, watching Miami Vice and having beer. And burping a lot.

"That's IT!" shrieked the Princess. She grabbed a rope, threw it out her bedroom window and slid down. She was going to hitchhike to the concert.

In the 1980s, in the Mushroom Kingdom, the highways weren't completely built yet. Even though it was in a big field, the castle Princess Toadstool lived in was right on the edge of the interstate, so there was basically a highway in her backyard. She gathered up her pink dress and climbed over the guardrail, cars honking at her as they sped by.

Finally, a black Mustang with orange flames painted on the sides slowed down as it approached. It pulled up and the Princess came running over to the side door. The window was rolled down by a man who looked like a lizard/turtle and dressed like Billy Idol.

The Princess brushed back a strand of her curly blonde hair. "Can you take me to the Def Leppard concert?" she asked.

"Can you show me something on this map?" he replied.

"Yeah sure whatever," the Princess said. She leaned forward and…

The man grabbed her and pulled her through the window of the car.

"Hey!" she freaked out. "Get the Christ and fuck and hell and shit off me, you goddamn mother-fucking shitty ass son of a bitch!!!"

"Ha hahahahaha!" Laughed King Koopa like a maniac. By the way, it was King Koopa. "You idiot! I'm King Koopa, and never get into the car with me unless you want the ride of a lifetime!"

"Your car is disgusting!" said Princess Toadstool. She was right. The floor was covered in cigarette butts and beer cans. There was a styrofoam cup in the cupholder filled with brown water and butts that King Koopa ashed in. It made Princess Toadstool wanna barf up her lunch.

"Sit down and shut the fuck up," said King Koopa.

"Can we roll the window down?" the Princess asked.

"No!"

"Can we at least listen to the radio?" she begged.

"We're listening to MY music," said King Koopa. He grabbed a Duran Duran tape off the dashboard and shoved it in the tape player. The Princess thought she was going to go insane.

"Oh, somebody save me!" She cried. "Preferably a fat plumber in red overalls with a mustache who doesn't have anything better to do!"

Her prayers were answered. Just then, a white truck pulled up beside them, going the same speed. The side of the truck read, "Mario Bros. Plumbing. Clog up the Crapper? Then Call Mario! 555-3218."

"Dammit!" said Koopa, flooring it. He tried to pass the truck, but the truck cut him off. The driver gave him the finger.

"What the fuck?!" said Koopa. "Who the hell do you think you are, crap ass?!"

Behind the wheel, a plumber named Mario was driving like hell to keep up. He rolled down the window and shouted to the Princess. "Don't worry! I'll save you!"

"You better!" Princess Toadstool yelled back.

"What's going on here?" Mario demanded, glaring at Koopa.

"Nothing you could handle, motherfucker!" Koopa shouted back.

Mario pulled up and rammed his truck into the side of Koopa's car. "Ha ha ha hahahaha! Take that, you ass picker!" he laughed, his dark hair blowing in the wind. Then he dropped a bannana peel right under the tires.

"Oh, you're gonna pay for that, dickburger!" said Koopa. But it was too late. His car was already swerving off the road.

The Princess had managed to climb into the backseat and roll down the window. "Quick!" said Mario, reaching for her. "Grab my hand!"

"Not happening!" said Koopa. He yanked the Princess back and then tied her up, while still managing to drive somehow. He grabbed a gun and shot at Mario's tires. The truck swerved out of control and into the guardrail. "Take that you ass-chomping, Dungeons and Dragons-Playing, nose-picking rodeo clown!" Then he sped off.

"This isn't over yet!" Cried Mario, getting out of the car. "I'm gonna track you down, Koopa!" He sighed and leaned against the car. "Damn," he mutted. "I wish they'd invent cell phones."

TO BE CONTINUED...(If you want more)


End file.
